Well the shoot went swimmingly, but here we are and now I’ve walked away with mixed emotions.
I thought I was going to enjoy cutting through the crowds back and forthing in witty banter as I lap the attendees. Except by minute 45 the exchanges were fizzling and taking a turn for the flat and repetitive; “You’ll photoshop me to look younger won’t you?”, “Can I see what you got?”, “We’ve had a picture, come back in another while”. Was this just an exercise in the grass is greener now I shoot architecture? Or have I just been romanticising the days of my past, a young gun starry-eyed photographer shooting underpaid events just to secure a gig and a paycheque that’s sent with burden from Centrelink?
I can’t help but wonder, am I just clinging to the identity of being a photographer? If I picture where I am five/ten/twenty years ahead in the best timeline of my life, I always have a camera in hand. No longer can I tell if that’s the camera of a hobbyist or that of a working and creative professional. Every now and then I’ll get praise for my Instagram feed, the colours, the grittiness, the ethereal look and whilst those are some of my favourite images too, they were only taken in passing. A reaction or my interaction to the world around me. Using a camera I kept by my side at all times, a hobbyist’s endeavour. Might that be the next step though? To take the elements I adore and form them into a style of shooting I can recreate professionally?
The lack of yearning and desire to construct and execute a shoot from my own accord nags at me…especially after finally procuring a spacious loft to use on a whim. I’ve had access to the space for almost six months now, and every passing day and week the incessant chanting “Why. Don’t. You. Use. It?” reverberates through my head. Is it from fear? Laziness? A lack of meaning in the photographs I want to produce so why do it at all?
Circling back to the Christmas event shoot, what did stay with me, as mentioned in my post before the shoot, was the element of it being entirely mine. My client, my invoice in its entirety. That I had forgotten, and I adore having an ounce of this feeling back. This is something I want to chase more of, that sense of control and the pay off that is most rewarding.